Happiness Strategies | How to be Happy

Relationships are important to happiness, so nurturing your social skills would seem a pretty wise happiness strategy. Now, is that something you can get from a book?

Well, yes and no – it depends on the book.

It may surprise you that research shows people panache is more polished in readers of Pride and Prejudice or Harry Potter than readers of How to Win Friends and Influence People.

According to a 2005 University of Toronto  study, reading fiction is linked to social skills like empathy and awareness. But non-fiction? Not so much.

The study was correlational, not causal, so we can’t say for sure that our reading matter makes us more or less socially adept.

I can see how reading fiction could boost people skills. After all, reading a novel gets you right into a character’s head – you experience ‘first hand’ another person’s feelings and cogitations, tuning you in to the depth of their internal life. It makes sense that your social insight would be cultivated. 

On the other hand, it could go in the other direction, with socially skilled people simply choosing to read more fiction. That would still be interesting. Perhaps reading fiction is a way to hone the skill, or perhaps it’s pleasurable to flex a strong empathy muscle.

Regardless of direction, there’s a link between reading stories and getting on with others. So it can’t hurt every now and then to put down your Q Is for Quantum Particle Physics and pick up A is for Alibi.

Technorati Tags: happiness,relationships,research,reading,fiction

Image: iofoto

When ‘they’ won’t change -
what should you do?

You can’t change someone else. And pressuring them to change tends to make them dig their heels in further. We all have a bit of that rebellious child still in us.

But there’s one person you can change – you. And because relationships are mini systems, you only have to alter one part (yourself) to affect the whole system (the relationship).

Let’s say Ken is always late meeting Barbie at the movies. Barb hates missing the start so she’s constantly berating Ken for not getting there on time. Which does nothing to change his tardiness.

Valentine’s Day Happiness Strategy: Make like Michael Jackson and start with the Man in the Mirror

Instead of persisting with this pointless ploy, Barbie could change her own behavior and do something different. For instance:

• When making plans, she could tell Ken she’ll buy her ticket and head in just before the movie starts, and if he’s not there, she’ll catch him for coffee afterward. The trick is to keep it light and pleasant – not threatening or ultimatum-like.
• She could see movies with punctual friends and do less time-sensitive activities with Ken.
• She might choose movies she has little interest in to see with Ken. That way she won’t care if she misses the beginning and she can just enjoy Ken’s company.

By doing something different, Barbie jolts both Ken and herself out of their current behavior pattern. Depending on how much Ken wants to see (particular) movies with Barbie, he may well be motivated to turn up on time.

But the beauty of this approach for Barbie is regardless of what Ken does, she’s no longer stuck in frustration and resentment. Barbie just made herself happier with nary a concern about Ken’s crappy timekeeping.

Leaving her more relaxed for quality time in her camper van.

Did you miss:

• When you’re waiting for Prince/Princess Charming to come along and make you happy – what should you do?
• When you’ve forgotten what you ever saw in them – what should you do?

Technorati Tags: happiness,relationships,love

Image: paultalbot

When you’ve forgotten what you ever saw in them – what should you do?

The things we find attractive or endearing at first – Cuthbert’s slight arrogance,  Mavis’s raucous laugh – can come to annoy the bejesus out of us over time. They haven’t necessarily changed, we’ve zeroed in on minor irritations – sometimes at the expense of major qualities. 

Valentine’s Day Happiness Strategy: Switch from the husband/wife’s list to the widower/widow’s list

In Follow Your Heart, Andrew Matthews describes the two mental lists we have in our heads:

1. the husband/wife’s short list – a puny play-by-play of peeves
2. the widower/widow’s long list – a comprehensive compendium of character

It’s easy to spend years ruminating on petty irritations: Cuthbert says supposably instead of supposedly; Mavis gets mascara goop in her eyes. But if one day Cuth or Mave should cark it, suddenly the long list gets whipped out: he was so loyal, kind and reliable; she was truly generous, caring and good-natured.

Matthews suggests we do the switcheroo on these lists and consciously focus on the things we love about people while they’re here. By bringing the large virtues into our mental foreground we can often shove the pesky little vices way into the distance.

Then, as Andrews says, when they’re gone we can ‘console ourselves with thoughts like "he snored anyway"’.

Coming up:

• When ‘they’ won’t change – what should you do?

Did you miss:

• When you’re waiting for Prince/Princess Charming to come along and make you happy – what should you do?

Image: paultalbot

As Thursday is Valentine’s Day,
this week we turn to some
relationship-themed happiness strategies.

Today – a happiness strategy for singles looking for love:

• When you’re waiting for Prince/Princess Charming to come along and make you happy – what should you do?

Tomorrow -  a happiness strategy for couples:

• When you’ve forgotten what you ever saw in them – what should you do?

Friday – a happiness strategy for relationships and friendships in general:

• When ‘they’ won’t change – what should you do?

When you’re waiting for Prince/Princess Charming to come along and make you happy – what should you do?

Are you waiting for that magical partner to appear and make you happy? Fix your life? Get you out of your rut?

If so, I have some very upsetting news for you. Actually, I have twin upsetting newslets.

1. There’s only one person responsible for fixing your life, and that’s you, dude. You knew I was gonna say it and you know it’s true. So let’s move on.

2. When someone is miserable and their life is shambolic, do you think their FaceBook walls light up with invitations? It’s not that people just aren’t that into them. It’s that  people leave the state to avoid them. Happy, together people want to be with other happy, together people.

Valentine’s Day Happiness Strategy: To attract someone fabulous, be fabulous

The single best thing you can do to meet someone fabulous is be fabulous. Forget waiting, manipulating, lamenting, whining, bargaining and surgical enhancements.

Instead, put your energy into being your best self and developing the qualities you desire in someone else. Go back to that list of the traits you crave in your fantasized love bunny and see how many you have.

If you take yourself off hold and start looking after your own happiness, not only will your life immediately start to pick up, but you’ll become way more appealing too.

When that happens, can I get your number for my friend?

Coming up:

• When you’ve forgotten what you ever saw in them – what should you do?
• When ‘they’ won’t change – what should you do?

Image: paultalbot

Web MD has an article called Strategies for Happiness: 7 Steps to Becoming a Happier Person By Tom Valeo. Reviewed by Cynthia Dennison Haines, MD.

Here’s a quick summary of the 7 strategies from the article:

Happiness Strategy # 1: Don’t Worry, Choose Happy

First, make a decision to be happy. Then you can select the strategies to help you. The remaining strategies are the sorts of things psychologists suggest.

Happiness Strategy #2: Cultivate Gratitude

It can dispel bitterness and despair.

Happiness Strategy #3: Foster Forgiveness

Grudges can affect physical and mental health, and ruminating is stressful.

Happiness Strategy #4: Counteract Negative Thoughts and Feelings

Valeo suggests meditation, rhythmic breathing, yoga, or relaxation techniques as well as learning to identify and dispute thoughts of inadequacy and helplessness.

Happiness Strategy #5: Remember, Money Can’t Buy Happiness

Readers of this blog know all about this one! See the recent Happiness Strategy How to be happy – 10. Don’t keep up with the Joneses.

Happiness Strategy #6: Foster Friendship

Valeo mentions that an Australian study found people over 70 with rich friendship networks enjoyed greater longevity.

Happiness Strategy #7: Engage in Meaningful Activities

Do more of what means more to get more out of life.

My 2 cents

In his introduction to the strategies Valeo says ‘your talent for happiness is, to a large degree, determined by your genes’. I say puh-huh! In fact, as we saw in a recent Happiness Strategy – How to be happy – 11. Focus on what you can do to be happier – research suggests that only between 25% and 52% of happiness variance is related to genes. And these figures reflect potential – environment (what you experience) and volition (what you choose to think and do) also contribute to whether and how genetic dispositions are expressed.

Apart from that quibble, the list of 7 strategies is an excellent one.

Valeo sums up by noting ‘happiness can be a matter of choice — not just luck’.

I’d add — and not just money, genes, or life circumstances either.

Technorati Tags: Strategies , money , relationships , forgiveness , gratitude , meaning