Happiness Strategies | How to be Happy

When ‘they’ won’t change -
what should you do?

You can’t change someone else. And pressuring them to change tends to make them dig their heels in further. We all have a bit of that rebellious child still in us.

But there’s one person you can change - you. And because relationships are mini systems, you only have to alter one part (yourself) to affect the whole system (the relationship).

Let’s say Ken is always late meeting Barbie at the movies. Barb hates missing the start so she’s constantly berating Ken for not getting there on time. Which does nothing to change his tardiness.

Valentine’s Day Happiness Strategy: Make like Michael Jackson and start with the Man in the Mirror

Instead of persisting with this pointless ploy, Barbie could change her own behavior and do something different. For instance:

• When making plans, she could tell Ken she’ll buy her ticket and head in just before the movie starts, and if he’s not there, she’ll catch him for coffee afterward. The trick is to keep it light and pleasant - not threatening or ultimatum-like.
• She could see movies with punctual friends and do less time-sensitive activities with Ken.
• She might choose movies she has little interest in to see with Ken. That way she won’t care if she misses the beginning and she can just enjoy Ken’s company.

By doing something different, Barbie jolts both Ken and herself out of their current behavior pattern. Depending on how much Ken wants to see (particular) movies with Barbie, he may well be motivated to turn up on time.

But the beauty of this approach for Barbie is regardless of what Ken does, she’s no longer stuck in frustration and resentment. Barbie just made herself happier with nary a concern about Ken’s crappy timekeeping.

Leaving her more relaxed for quality time in her camper van.

Did you miss:

• When you’re waiting for Prince/Princess Charming to come along and make you happy - what should you do?
• When you’ve forgotten what you ever saw in them - what should you do?

Technorati Tags: happiness,relationships,love

Image: paultalbot

When you’ve forgotten what you ever saw in them - what should you do?

The things we find attractive or endearing at first - Cuthbert’s slight arrogance,  Mavis’s raucous laugh - can come to annoy the bejesus out of us over time. They haven’t necessarily changed, we’ve zeroed in on minor irritations - sometimes at the expense of major qualities. 

Valentine’s Day Happiness Strategy: Switch from the husband/wife’s list to the widower/widow’s list

In Follow Your Heart, Andrew Matthews describes the two mental lists we have in our heads:

1. the husband/wife’s short list - a puny play-by-play of peeves
2. the widower/widow’s long list - a comprehensive compendium of character

It’s easy to spend years ruminating on petty irritations: Cuthbert says supposably instead of supposedly; Mavis gets mascara goop in her eyes. But if one day Cuth or Mave should cark it, suddenly the long list gets whipped out: he was so loyal, kind and reliable; she was truly generous, caring and good-natured.

Matthews suggests we do the switcheroo on these lists and consciously focus on the things we love about people while they’re here. By bringing the large virtues into our mental foreground we can often shove the pesky little vices way into the distance.

Then, as Andrews says, when they’re gone we can ‘console ourselves with thoughts like "he snored anyway"’.

Coming up:

• When ‘they’ won’t change - what should you do?

Did you miss:

• When you’re waiting for Prince/Princess Charming to come along and make you happy - what should you do?

Image: paultalbot

As Thursday is Valentine’s Day,
this week we turn to some
relationship-themed happiness strategies.

Today - a happiness strategy for singles looking for love:

• When you’re waiting for Prince/Princess Charming to come along and make you happy - what should you do?

Tomorrow -  a happiness strategy for couples:

• When you’ve forgotten what you ever saw in them - what should you do?

Friday - a happiness strategy for relationships and friendships in general:

• When ‘they’ won’t change - what should you do?

When you’re waiting for Prince/Princess Charming to come along and make you happy - what should you do?

Are you waiting for that magical partner to appear and make you happy? Fix your life? Get you out of your rut?

If so, I have some very upsetting news for you. Actually, I have twin upsetting newslets.

1. There’s only one person responsible for fixing your life, and that’s you, dude. You knew I was gonna say it and you know it’s true. So let’s move on.

2. When someone is miserable and their life is shambolic, do you think their FaceBook walls light up with invitations? It’s not that people just aren’t that into them. It’s that  people leave the state to avoid them. Happy, together people want to be with other happy, together people.

Valentine’s Day Happiness Strategy: To attract someone fabulous, be fabulous

The single best thing you can do to meet someone fabulous is be fabulous. Forget waiting, manipulating, lamenting, whining, bargaining and surgical enhancements.

Instead, put your energy into being your best self and developing the qualities you desire in someone else. Go back to that list of the traits you crave in your fantasized love bunny and see how many you have.

If you take yourself off hold and start looking after your own happiness, not only will your life immediately start to pick up, but you’ll become way more appealing too.

When that happens, can I get your number for my friend?

Coming up:

• When you’ve forgotten what you ever saw in them - what should you do?
• When ‘they’ won’t change - what should you do?

Image: paultalbot

In the New York magazine article Happiness: A User’s Manual, Ben Mathis-Lilley takes a bunch of happiness research findings and translates them into 20 useful tips for New Yorkers.

The result is fun, and a cute reminder of those findings about happiness - some of which may be familiar to Happiness Strategies readers via 101 Happiness Strategies and Book Reviews.

Here’s a sample from the article:

Fire your therapist if he so much as mentions your childhood.
Contra Freud and pro common sense, much of Authentic Happiness author Martin Seligman’s research suggests that rehashing events that enraged you long ago tends to produce depression rather than sweet closure and relief.

If someone tells you he’s still pining for his ex, ask the ex out.
Stumbling on Happiness author Dan Gilbert is currently conducting a study designed to show that the best way to predict how much you’ll enjoy a blind date is to ask the last person to go out with your date how much fun he had.

If you can’t decide what TV to buy, walk across the hall and ask your neighbor if he likes his.
In multiple studies, subjects felt they’d be better able to predict their reaction to an experience by imagining it, rather than hearing somebody else’s testimony. Even regarding such seemingly straightforward activities as deciding whether to eat pretzels or potato chips, they were wrong. Turns out, people are happier following advice.

If you go on a shopping spree, throw away the receipts.
In one study cited by both Schwartz and Gilbert, photography students were allowed to keep only one picture taken during their course. Some students were later allowed to swap their choice for a different photo, yet those who couldn’t change were much happier. How did they deal with inflexibility? By rationalizing how much they enjoyed their new decoration.

Take the local, and don’t wait for the express.
Inaction, on the other hand, gnaws away at the mind relentlessly, like so many rats chewing on an empty Mountain Dew bottle someone dropped onto the tracks as you idly waited for the 4. You should have just jumped on the 6.

Join a church, a yoga studio, an Alcoholics Anonymous group, or an underground fight club.
People who have more friends and belong to community-building groups are happier. To paraphrase the Norm MacDonald–era “Weekend Update,” perhaps that’s the kind of finding that could have been published in the scientific journal Duh, but there it is.

Order from the same takeout menu every time.
Researchers found that subjects asked to choose their meals weeks in advance mistakenly predicted that variety would make them happier, while those who simply decided what to eat on the spot were completely satisfied with the same thing each week. (Although eating macaroni and cheese endlessly, like repeating any pleasant experience over and over, reduces its appeal—so switch it up with cheeseburgers.)

Excerpted from http://nymag.com/news/features/17574/

Technorati Tags: happiness,new york,happiness research,happiness strategies for new yorkers

If you need a little refresher on technique, Mary Poppins and friends have some notes

We all love to laugh (er, don’t we?). But ever since Norman Cousins extolled the therapeutic benefits of Marx Brothers-induced giggles, laughter has been lauded for its healthful effects as well as its pleasurable sensations.

According to the latest Fitness First magazine, laughter:

• transforms negative stress into wellbeing
• strengthens the immune system
• is anti-ageing
• reduces depression and anxiety
• develops confidence
• improves our sense of humour
• encourages creativity, imagination and problem-solving
• is an aerobic exercise, equivalent to cardiovascular exercise
• increases the body’s natural painkillers
• reduces stress-related hormones

(Fitness First, January/February 2008, page 42. Research sources not provided) .

Happiness life strategy

So it feels good to laugh and there are many great reasons to do it. The trick is to get those laughs happening more often.

Here are some ideas for raising your daily laughter load:

• Swap the tear jerker for some movie tomfoolery.
  Try Ground Hog Day, American Pie, Clueless - or ask like-minded friends for recommendations.
• Watch funny TV shows.
  Modern classics include Friends and Seinfeld.  My personal faves are Arrested Development, The Office (US version), and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Get the DVDs and have them on hand for a regular dose of diversion.
• Lower your laughter threshold.
  Some people are determined not to laugh unless the joke is extremely worthy and all the stars are aligned. Be an easy laugher - have your funny bone exposed and ready for tickling.
• Avoid gloomy or overly serious people.
  It’s their choice to refuse to partake in silliness, but they’ll take the fun out of it for you. Instead…
• Spend time with laughers.
  Ever noticed how watching actors laugh on blooper reels makes you laugh too? Laughter is infectious - so hang out with easily amused friends and soon chortling will become second nature for you, too.
• Smile more.
  It looks good, it feels good, it makes others feel good - and it’ll help train those cheek muscles for all that laughter you’ll be doing.